


Lonely

by SapphireEyes23



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Dark, Depression, Loneliness, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-29
Updated: 2019-09-28
Packaged: 2019-10-18 13:52:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 22,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17582117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SapphireEyes23/pseuds/SapphireEyes23
Summary: If Dean isn't careful, he's going to lose everything he's working hard for.





	1. Chapter 1

Lonely was an understatement.

 

This was the fourth time that Cas had been left alone with the children while Dean chased after the impossible dream job.

 

“ _Just one more move, I promise._ ”

 

The same promise had been made before, and yet here they were in a new state with new schools, new teachers and no support system.

 

The moves were starting to take their toll on the kids. Aidan was becoming even more withdrawn than his personality already required, and Claire had begun to form attachments so quickly that saying hello to her endeared you to her for life.

 

Cas sat back on the couch, looking at the children that he and Dean had worked so hard to get. He couldn’t think about the moments that Dean was missing. The day to day moments that would never happen again. Getting Aidan dressed for his first day of school, putting Claire in her favorite dress and pigtails for picture day, parent-teacher conferences, hell even Friday night pizza. Even though the kids were still small Cas created the tradition to give the kids some stability.

 

Dean had promised him this new move came with stability and less travel. _Less travel_ didn’t mean there wouldn't be _any_ travel _._ That’s how Cas found himself alone again in a new state with no friends and a husband halfway across the world.

 

“Papa!!! Did you know if you get a bow and arrow enchanted then you can use it hunt the giant monster?” Aidan babbled from the back seat of the SUV.

 

“No, buddy I didn’t know that. Can you tell me what you did in class today?” Cas loved the way his son could create and discover in Minecraft, but the fact that he always was so absorbed by it worried him, was Aidan losing himself in the game to fill the hole left by his father not being there?

 

“Papa, today we worked on painting and mixing colors!! Did you know if you mix blue and yellow you get green?” Claire yelled over the ongoing Minecraft narration Aidan was giving. Cas glanced at his daughter in the rearview mirror. Finger paints…that explains the multi-color streaks in her hair.

 

“So guys its only the beginning of the week, what do you say we pick something fun for dinner tonight?” Cas kept a smile on his face in spite of the pain he was feeling. It hadn’t been the greatest of days. He’d been awake since 2 am because Dean forgot about the time difference again and called just to say hi.

 

“PIZZA!!!” Both munchkins yelled at the top of their lungs, no doubt it was a tie between bacon and pizza for their favorite foods as of late. As soon as they got home and Castiel unbuckled to wild pair, they barreled into the front door racing towards the personal computers Dean had gifted them with after his last trip.

 

“Homework first!!!” Cas couldn’t help but chuckle at the collective groans he heard come from the computer room. They both trudged back to the dining room backpacks in tow. It’s not like they had difficult work. Aidan had simple addition that took him at most 4 minutes to complete. Claire mostly had color by numbers, today's sheet was a duck on a sailboat in the ocean.

 

Once complete they both ran off to play.

 

So used to being left alone for the majority of the day the ringing of his cell phone startled him, but he knew that ringtone.

 

“Hello Sam”

 

“Hey Cas, Hows my favorite brother in law?”

 

“I’m your only brother in law.”

 

“That’s irrelevant, how are you doing?”

 

Of all days why did he have to call today? Cas never could lie to Sam, it was something about those puppy dog eyes that they even worked over the phone. It was like he could always see through whatever mask Cas tried to put on.

 

“I’m…..I’m here Sam.” That was about the best answer he could offer at the moment. Always living with the next year of his life up in the air was starting to take its toll on him. “I.. just wish Dean could find whatever it is he is searching for. All of this moving isn’t good for the kids. Or me.”

 

Cas took a deep breath, the emotions he’d buried so deep were trying to surface. He’d been numb for so long now.

 

“Does Dean know? I mean I know he means well and he feels he needs to make more than enough money to take care of you all.” Sam tried to explain Deans need to be the caregiver all over again.

 

“What exactly would I say to him, Sam? ‘ _No don’t take the job that you swear is going to be the perfect one’?_ We both know how he’d take it. I can’t do that to him, but I can’t stand by for much longer and let him hurt the children.”

 

The silence on the other end of the line made Cas think maybe he’d been disconnected during his rant.

 

“I..Cas I wish I could be closer to help you. We both know he means well. Cas… I gotta know, are you going to do what it sounds like you’re thinking about?” Cas knew Sam was trying to talk around the word divorce. He knew it would destroy Dean. Castiel was the man of his dreams, then they had Aidan by surrogate and adopted Claire. The family dream that Dean had always wanted had been delivered on a silver platter.

 

“I don’t see any other way. I….Sam I can’t keep doing this. I spend more time alone than I have with my husband in the last 2 years.” Cas couldn’t hold back the tears, his last bit of resolve had finally broken. “Oh god, Sam what am I going to do? I left my job to follow Dean, now I’ve been out of work for years.”

 

“Cas, just before you do something drastic, sleep on it. Talk to him, force him to listen. I’m sure if Dean realizes what he stands to lose he’ll be on the next flight out even without his Xanax just to get back to you.”

 

Sam had told Dean before that there was no such thing as the perfect job or perfect amount of money. If Dean didn’t get his act together, he was going to lose the man and family that he worked so hard to have.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Fate just couldn’t let things be, could it? In the ten minutes it takes to drive the kids to school, every song that reminds Castiel of the pain he constantly ignores plays one after the next. It wasn’t enough that he had to wake up harder than stone with no time to bring himself to completion, it wasn’t enough that today was the day Claire had to have a blow out so before the day could even really begin he had to wrestle her into a quick bath and strip her bed so it could all be fresh and clean for bedtime tonight. All the while coaxing Aidan out of his half-awake zombie state and getting him to dress himself.

 

Finally getting everyone in the car with a hot cup of coffee, he’s bombarded with fate forcing him to feel.

 

Castiel is familiar with solitude, he’s been alone in one way or another for his entire life, or at least that’s how it’s always felt.  The only son in a house full of women, his dad, for most of his youth was a ghost in the house, he knew he was there, but never actually interacting with the one son he had.

 

_Dangerous thoughts_

 

Castiels mind started to drift back to those old teenage ways, how he’d considered ending it all so many times before. No one but his sister knows and even she didn’t take him seriously. She took the knowledge and used it to make fun of him.

 

_Don’t go there_

People hearing about the situation at home, have constantly told him how strong he is, but he sees the looks of pity the teachers give when they think he’s not looking. The confused looks he gets when people he sees every day find out randomly that he is in fact married and has children. Castiel rarely speaks of them while he is at work. This is his space, a place he can just be him. At the candy shop, he’s not the dad, he’s not the abandoned husband, he’s just Cas. He learned that if he shaves he can actually blend in with the other young workers.

 

_No one would care_

 

Working with a younger crowd means less probing questions and more discussions about weekend drunken escapades, girlfriends, boyfriends, and everybody’s most recent run -n with their most hated but faithful customer, Mrs. Levi.

 

_How long until someone would notice_

Castiel put away his bag in the back and finished off his coffee before getting right into work and making ribbon candies. Something about his hands made him perfect for pulling candy, or so that’s what the manager said when he was in his trial period. Lost in his own world working with the sweet treat this was his small piece of heaven. Working with his hands, the evidence of his exhaustion right there in front of him. Seeing the joy in childrens’ eyes when he chooses to make special shapes, sometimes there are flowers or pinwheels. His personal favorite is when he takes the time to build a bumblebee, using lemon and blueberry flavorings to match the dyes in the ribbons.

 

If it’s a slow day he’ll start the clean up early. He’s only there for a few hours as he has to pick the kids up from school.

_They would only miss me for what I can do for them_

After he’s done with clean-up he looks up to see fire red hair walking in its Charlie, she’s usually part of the morning crew, oh well. He waves and clocks out. It’s still too early to pick up the kids so he just pulls out his phone after he parks at the school, only about 45 minutes to burn. Cas calls the only person he consistently talks to that isn’t telling him his children's educational progress.

 

“Hey Cas, what’s up?”

 

“Nothing Sam just figured I would check-in, I know how you worry when you don’t hear from me every day.”

 

“Well, you’re down there by yourself, can you blame me?” Sam chuckled a little, there was no way he’d ever realize that he was Castiels lifeline to the outside world and some days the only thing that helped him keep going.

 

“Have you talked to Dean this week? Last I heard he was looking at extending his time because of some ridiculous bonus they offered him.”

 

“Umm…no well yes he called to tell the kids good night but that was about it.” Castiel held back the hurt he felt, of course, Dean would discuss life choices like that with his brother, but not Castiel. It didn’t matter what Castiel thought if Dean decided to stay there was nothing he could do.

 

“….And he didn’t mention the extension I’m guessing….I’m sure he’s just trying to figure out all the details before he talks to you about it.” Sam tried to smooth over the situation, which he just realized was worse than he’d previously thought.

 

“Its okay Sam I’m sure he’ll mention it soon. I have to go its time for me to get the kids.”

 

“Tell them hi for me and can you send some pictures? Jess has been harassing me for some new ones.”

 

“Sure no problem, you have a good day Sam.”

 

Castiel hung up the phone and dropped it into the passenger seat. After a few steeling breaths he plastered a smile on his face and picked up the children. They didn’t ask for this and he will not allow his own sadness to impede on their lives. Well, as much as he can control it.

 

_Would Dean even care, I could be replaced by a nanny or an au pair and it wouldn’t change his life one bit._

Castiel pushed back the thoughts again locking them away.

 

Looking back at the kids ‘What do you guys say we make our own cheeseburgers today?”

 

Cheers echo in the backseat as they head home.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam tries to talk some sense into his brother

The week caps off with a crappy start to Friday morning. Castiel woke up 3 hours before his already stupid early alarm. Why was he awake? Nightmares, he had them every time Dean went off to foreign worlds to work his negotiation magic. Todays nightmare? Dean being blown up in a case of wrong place, wrong time.  Realizing that going back to sleep he laid there staring at the ceiling. Not much really going through his mind, just the daily plan.

 

There was a special order he had to create today. A bouquet of flowers made of ribbon candy. The only specific details were the requested colors, so he could play with the flavoring all he wanted, as long as it wasn’t mint. People didn’t seem to enjoy mixing fruit flavors and mint _that’s cause it’s like eating toothpaste Cas_ Deans voice chimed in from the ether.

 

Next thing he knew his alarm was going off, where those hours had gone, he couldn’t tell you. Claire was being unusually affectionate this morning. It was Friday so maybe she was happy that it wouldn’t be a school night meaning they get to stay up 2 extra hours tonight…but that was more typically Aidans thing, he hated having to stop in the middle of his Lego construction projects.

 

Getting the kids dressed was no problem, everything went smoothly as it does most other days. Where the problem came in is getting to school. What should have been a 10-minute drive, turned into an hour. There was an accident right at the only exit to their subdivision and of course, no one knew how to get around it so they sat still forever.

 

The entire time they were trapped in the car Claire took it upon herself to point out each and every bird she saw. They were sitting next to the neighborhood park, so she had many birds to choose from and describe in such detail that after half an hour Aidan asked her to “be quiet and take a nap”. That request went over just as well as anyone would assume. This launched into a sibling battle in the backseat.

 

Caffeine less and immobile Cas could feel his hold on his serene mood slipping minute by minute.

 

“Would you two please sit patiently? I understand we’re not normally in the car for this long and you’re getting antsy. Just keep your hands to yourself.” Trying so hard to keep the edge out of his voice Cas attempted to keep the peace. It wasn’t their fault that there was standstill traffic and he hadn’t slept well during the few hours that he did get.

 

“Let’s play a game of ‘I Spy’ while we wait, Claire birds do not count.” If she pointed out one more bird he was going to snap.

 

“Okay papa, can I go first?” Aidan looked like he was just as done with the situation as his father. It didn’t help that Aidan ended up being his clone with slightly lighter hair.

 

“I spy, with my eye, something…….red!”

 

Castiel glanced out the window on Aidan’s side, there were a number of things that he could have chosen but he had to think more logical and less randomly. His eyes scanned the landscape.

“Hmmm… I don’t know, is it the…..red swing set in the park?”

 

“No”

 

“Oh, I know!!” Claire screamed way louder than necessary.

“It’s the stop sign!!! Did I get it right? Aidan, did I get it right? I think I got it right!!” She barely left space for anyone to get a word in between.

 

“Claire calm down and let your brother answer you. Did she guess correctly?”

 

“Yea papa she got it. Why are we still sitting here? Can’t we just drive across the grass? I can run across the grass so you should be able to drive on it right? Just like in the driveway.” Aidans brows furrowed as he thought out his logic, it all made sense to him.

 

“No sweetie, that’s illegal and it will hurt the car. We don’t want that to happen do we?” The traffic finally started to inch forward. Castiel ended up taking the long way around the neighborhood to get to the school, both kids were still a little late but not as much as they could have been. A few minutes shouldn’t be a problem.

 

 

 

 

“What’s up bitch?” Dean had personalized every ringtone on his international phone. Mostly with his favorite songs so he could get a sliver of home whenever it rang.

 

“Seriously Dean? That’s how you answer your phone? What if it was someone like your boss?” Sam rolled his eyes, he was leaning on his desk in his office, he had a few minutes before his next litigation meeting.

 

“Anyway, you want to explain to me why you told me about your extension and neglected to share that info with your husband?” The bitchface was audible.

 

“Don’t start Sammy alright, I hadn’t made a choice yet so I didn’t want to stress him out about it. I know he’s already stressed out just dealing with the kids every day, the last thing I need to do is make him think it’s going to last longer if I don’t know for sure.” Dean figured the less he knew, the better off Castiel was. As far as anyone knew, Dean was handling negotiations for contracting companies, but the reality was less negotiations and more interrogations. Contractors were actually prisoners. He was the best at what he did that’s why they sent him all over the world to work.

 

“It’s not like we couldn’t use the money, the family needs it.”

 

“What that family needs is _you_ , Dean.”

 

“Look Cas can handle me being gone, he’s done it before, and Claire was barely a month old. This is probably a cakewalk to him.”

 

“When is the last time you talked to him?”

 

“Umm… its been like a week.”

 

“Yet you talk to me every other day.”

 

“Cause I know you worry princess.”

 

“What and you think your husband doesn’t? You really need to call him more. Lately, he’s seemed—I don’t know, disconnected.” Sam could tell Castiel was worn down and something about the way they talked last time still hadn’t sat well with him.

 

“If I get time after this case I’m going to take some time off and go help him with the kids. You know _your kids_ , the kids you begged him for?” Sam was laying the guilt on thick, and he was not sorry for it.

 

“Look I get it, Sammy, I’ll call more often.  Look its only for a little longer, if I take this extension we will be set for life.” Dean was determined to prove he could provide for his family, anything they wanted he was going to be able to buy.

 

“I can tell you from experience, they would take you over whatever dollar amount is in your head. Those kids,   _your kids_ need their father. Do you know Aidan won't acknowledge you exist some days? ”

 

That hurt, Aidan had been like his partner in crime for everything since he was an infant. He may look like Cas, but the two of them were attached at the hip. Maybe he needed to think about some things when he got back to his room.

 

“Alright Sammy, I hear you, alright? How is Cas doing? You said he sounded bad?” Dean leaned against the wall. There was a man in the next room he needed to have a _discussion_ with, but this was important.

 

“Yea, I mean how happy do you expect him to be raising two kids by himself for months at a time? His oldest denies his papa exists and Claire is insisting that you’ve just moved to Disneyworld to be a princess and you can’t come home. Kids can’t mentally handle things like this and you know they shouldn’t have to. Just come home Dean” Sam was practically pleading with his brother. This kind of stress could scar those kids for life, and he knew Dean would never forgive himself for being the cause.

 

“I’m worried about the kids, but I’m worried about Cas more. You didn’t hear it. He just, he wasn’t himself you know? Look I’ve got a meeting to go to. Come home Dean” Sam hung up the phone without waiting for a response. He knew it would be nothing more than placating words and justification based on dollar signs.

 

Dean heard the line click and slid the phone back in his pocket. He took a moment to wrap his head around what Sam had been saying to him. Sam clearly didn’t understand. He was doing this for the kids and for Cas. Once they had enough money, he would quit and take up a training position or even consulting.

 

Dean stood up a little straighter, set his shoulders and walked into the other room. “Alright now, let's try this from the beginning…..”

 


	4. Chapter 4

Castiel laid in bed in the middle of the night, morning? Its 3 am and he can’t sleep. There was an itch under his skin and he had been on edge for the last few days but he couldn’t exactly figure out why. Dean had called before bedtime and talked to the kids. They were overjoyed to talk to him and spent at least half an hour bombarding him with stories of the shows the had been watching, what they had done at school and the fun facts they had learned.

 

The conversation had between the two adults, however, was stilted. There were long periods of silence where neither really knew what to say, it’s not like they had much to talk about. Dean would ask how he was doing and the conversation would be just like their others.  Castiels answers were always the same. He was tired, he’d not slept that well, gone to work, built some candy, picked up the kids, made dinner that he had to fight with the kids to get them to eat. _Rinse and Repeat_

 

For the longest Cas had convinced himself that he didn’t have a right to complain about the current position. It was partially his fault and anyone else would be ecstatic to be in his situation. He worked a job that wasn’t too serious or rigid, had two adorable kids and a spouse that wasn’t around long enough to start fights with. Dean always bought anything he asked for. In fact, that was quickly becoming a tradition, every trip home from wherever he was, Castiel received an expensive gift. Something he’d either wanted or commented it would be nice to have.

 

That’s how they now have the café quality espresso maker, a subzero freezer, top of the line Bose headphones, and a brand new MacBook. Dean always looked so proud when he would show up with the items.

 

Castiel couldn’t shake the feeling, then he realized why.

 

 

 

It was their anniversary.

 

10 years ago today the two of them stood on the edge of the cliffs of Lovers Lane in Monterey, California. They pledged their love to each other and promised to cherish, support and always be there for each other.

_Two out of three isn’t terrible._

 

That damn voice in his head just wouldn’t leave it alone.

 

 

 

Castiel laid in bed and stared at the ceiling as time went by only getting up when his alarm finally went off.

 

Cas went through his normal day.

 

Get the kids up

Get them fed and to school

Go to work

Don’t snap at Mrs. Levi when she makes him make fresh ribbons for her

Pick the kids up from school

Make dinner

Beg Claire to eat dinner

Bath time

Put the kids to bed

 

 

No phone calls, no special deliveries as it had been in the previous years. Castiel didn’t even bother to attempt calling Dean. It always went to voicemail anyway and he highly doubted that Dean even knew that it was a special day.

 

Just as he was getting out of the shower he could hear the front door opening. Adrenaline began to pump as he slowly snuck into the closet for the gun safe.

 

“Lucy I’m home!!!!!!” He knew that voice. Instantly relaxing a little Cas proceeded to put on his pajamas and walk out to greet the man he had married.

 

“Shh, I already put the kids to bed don’t wake them up!!!” Castiel kept his voice barely above a whisper but it was useless. Little feet were already thundering down the stairs.

 

“Daddy!!!!!”

“Its Daddy!!!”

 

Cas stood off to the side and let them have their moment of hugs and kisses and ‘I missed you’s.

 

“Since I’m home and I’m starving what do you guys say we get some ice cream?” Dean was kneeling between the kids more excited about a late night treat than they were.

 

Castiel had to intervene for his own sanity.

 

“No, there will be no ice cream. You two need to get back to bed as it is a school night.” Castiel could admit his tone was probably a little harsher than it needed to be but he didn’t have the patience to leave room for arguments.

 

“Up the stairs you two, now” Castiel stood at the bottom of the stairs, arms folded across his chest.

 

Dean strolled up behind him wrapping his arms around his waist.

 

“You know Cas I just love it when you get all bossy like that. I’m  in desperate need of a shower, why don’t you come join me?” Dean was starting to grind against his ass and grip his hips in all the right ways but Castiel just wasn’t having it.

 

“Dean I need to get to sleep and you’re right you definitely need a shower.” Castiel walked off to the bedroom leaving his husband standing there confused as to how he’d been left to handle the situation in his pants all alone.

 

Neither one of them had even said happy anniversary to the other

 

The next morning was just as rocky.

 

Unlike the days before Castiel slept, hard. There was something about Dean being home that helped him not be as on edge when it came to every noise the house would make. Castiel opened his eyes and the sun was already up _Shit we’re late._

 Castiel bolted out of the bed, one leg in his pants

 

“Kids!! Wake up we gotta get you to school!!! We’re late!!” Castiel was so frantic he hadn’t noticed that he’d run past them sitting at the dining room table eating breakfast with Dean.

 

“Babe? We’re in here.” Dean called out around a mouth full of bacon.

 

When Castiel shuffled into the room he noticed both kids were still in pajamas.

 

“Guys you know we don’t have time for this, you both need to be at school by…” Castiel glanced down at his phone he’d shoved in his pocket. “Crap 10 minutes ago. Both of you run upstairs and get dressed, your clothes are already sitting out like they normally are, we don’t have time for arguing just go.” Claire and Aidan looked at each other and headed for their rooms.

 

“Cas, babe calm down. I called them out of school today. I also called your boss and got you the day off. Who -by the way- was shocked to even learn I exist….why is that? Anyway, I wanted to spend the day with my family, so I made it happen.” Dean went on eating his breakfast like this was perfectly acceptable. 

 

Castiel plopped down in the seat across from Dean, he wasn’t sure if it was him coming down from the adrenaline rush of last night and this morning or his shock at the audacity of the man in front of him.

 

“You wanted to…never mind. Aidan has a spelling test today and Claire is building mailboxes for the class party next week, they can’t miss. I have special orders that only I can do today and my boss doesn’t know that you exist because I don’t talk about my personal life at work! We can’t just reorganize our schedules because you decide to grace us with your presence!!!” By the end Castiel was standing and leaning over the table, both hands firmly planted on the solid cherry wood.

 

“Whether you want to acknowledge it or not, life goes on and _we_ take our responsibilities seriously. Now I promised that I would be the one to fill the order and that’s exactly what I plan on doing. I’m going to get the kids to school and hope they haven’t missed too much. You can do whatever the hell you want with your day, but we all have places that we need to be.” Castiel had gotten eerily quiet towards the end of his rant. He pinched the bridge of his nose, took a deep breath and went to finish getting dressed.

 

A few minutes later both kids came down the stairs, mostly dressed. Claire was still having issues with which shoe went on each foot.

 

“Come on guys lets get you to school, papa needs to get to work.” Cas shuffled the kids out the door.

 

Dean sat there dumbfounded, he didn’t know what to say he didn’t know if there was anything to say.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes a little peace is necessary

When Castiel returned at the end of the day he was still fuming from the morning _discussion_. He wasn’t sure what to really expect, Dean and his bags gone? Some over the top gift as an apology? It wouldn’t be the first time for either but Castiel was at the end of his rope, and it would definitely be the last time.

 

Stepping in the door with both small children barreling in behind him Castiel called out to them to put away their backpacks and get changed into their afterschool clothes so that they could go play outside since it was a sunny day. 

What Castiel hadn’t expected was to walk into a spotlessly clean house with dinner already been prepared.

 

Dean was standing over a pot on the stove stirring what could only be chili. One of the things Dean could make that Cas had yet to be able to duplicate.

 

_You can’t measure the spice Cas you just gotta feel when it's right._

 

 “Dean…you’re still here….not that I didn’t think you’d disappear… I mean.” Castiel was stumbling over his words. Of all the scenarios he had in his mind of how the evening would go, this was not one of them.

 

“Yea Cas. I’m here. I deserve whatever you were thinking.“ Dean walked over to Cas taking his jacket off of his shoulders and hanging it up on the hook by the door. “The chili needs to simmer for a while before its ready so how about you and I sit on the porch and talk while the kids burn off some of their energy outside? I’d really like a chance to talk to you” Everything in Deans body language portrayed his remorse and shame.

 

Cas was just so tired of fighting and being angry, all the rage bled out of him and he just let it play out.

 

_There might be hope_

 

Aiden and Claire picked that moment to come thundering down the stairs ready to play. “Can I take my big wheel out too?” Claire was yelling while running towards the door.

 

“Yes Claire, Aiden don’t forget your jacket!!!” Both children were already out the back door with a few of their favorite toys and balls in hand.

 

“I got it, babe.” Dean held up both jackets as he grabbed his own and then helped Castiel back into his own.

 

Dean was unusually gentlemen like as he ushered Castiel to the swing on their back porch with one hand in the small of his back.

 

Once Dean got Castiel settled on the swing and laid a blanket across his legs, Dean walked down off the porch to catch the kids. “Aiden!! Claire!! Come put on your jackets and then you can go play!!”

 

Castiel sat on the porch, legs draped in a blanket that seemed to appear from thin air watching his husband. _This_ was the man that he’d fallen in love with. _This_ was the Dean that he wanted to raise a family with, _this_ was the man he’d wanted to grow old with. Lost deep in his own thoughts, he hadn’t even noticed that Dean had come back and was sitting next to him.

“Look Cas I think we really need to talk” Dean’s eyes were locked on his fidgeting hands in his lap and the wood planks which suddenly were interesting. He was looking anywhere but into Castiels eyes, it always felt like he was bearing his soul when looking into those sapphire orbs.

 

“okay…” Castiel let it hang in the air clearly Dean had something planned to say, he might as well let him get it out.

 

“I’m an idiot”

 

_That’s a good start._

 

“Look Cas I know sometimes I do stupid things like this morning. I hoped that I could, I don’t know... spend a day with all of you but I went about it the wrong way.” Dean took a deep breath this was obviously a rehearsed speech, probably with a little coaching from Sam, but Cas let him continue.

 

“I thought…. I don’t know what I thought. I was inconsiderate of your and the kids' schedules.”

 

_Sam definitely coached him_

“I’ll make an effort to not let it happen again.” Dean Suddenly found his fingernails interesting. Picking at them as he always did when he was nervous or uncomfortable.

 

“Dean, yes you were inconsiderate of the schedules we keep, but your heart was in the right place. You haven’t been home lately so I understand your desire to spend time with the kids even though your efforts were…..misguided.” Castiel had to give Dean credit for at least acknowledging he’d been wrong and he even took the time to call Sam and figure out exactly what he’d done wrong.

 

“How long are you here for? Do we get to keep you for the weekend at least?” Castiel looked out at the children now chasing each other back and forth playing a warped form of freeze tag of their own creation.

 

“I umm.. I have to leave tomorrow night.”

 

“Thank goodness its Friday then, I usually let the kids stay up late and since you’re here you can be the one to get soaked giving them a bath. I’m going to take a long hot shower. We can all stay up and watch a movie together afterward”

 

“Cas..”

 

 Cas got up and walked inside not leaving room for more discussion. He’d all but forgotten about the chili sitting on the stove. Taking that into consideration he amended his evening plans. He walked to the master bathroom and started a hot bath and tossed in his favorite lemongrass bath bomb. By the time he walked back into the kitchen Dean had both kids seated eating their own bowls. Claire was inevitably making a mess and Aidan was being very particular about the order in which he ate his Triscuits with his chili.

 

Castiel made himself a bowl and went back to his room. Dean hadn’t protested being handed the parental reigns and Castiel was not going to hesitate to take a moment for himself. He spent a gloriously long time letting the heat from the water melt his strained muscles. The chili warmed him from within. Castiel almost fell asleep but he was disturbed by high pitched screams. Dean must be trying to wash her hair, it never went well.

 

Castiel got out of his bath and rubbed down in his favorite lavender lotion, it was soothing.

 

Aidan startled him out of his relaxed bubble, standing there in his superhero pajamas.

 

“Daddy isn’t that great at bath time, he got water in Claire's eyes and that made her scream. So I asked to come downstairs before them.“ Castiel couldn’t help but chuckle at their oldest, he was always very frank in opinion and never hid his thoughts.

 

“That’s okay Aidan how about we go set up a movie in the living room so it will be ready when Daddy and Claire come down the stairs.”

 

“Yea let’s do that Papa.” Aiden didn’t wait, he turned around and ran out of the room to claim his favorite spot on the couch.

 

By the time the other two came down, it looked as if Dean had decided to take a shower with all of his clothes on while Claire was all smiles with damp hair.

 

“The princess is all clean and ready. Go ahead and start the movie, I need to put on something….dry.” Castiel couldn’t help but laugh at his husband. He’d learned long ago that Claire took baths like splashing was an Olympic sport and she was going for the gold.

 

The family of four settled into watching The Incredibles 2

 

Claire was passed out before the Incredibles even made it on the yacht, Aiden was gone by the time Frozone made the ship skid to a halt.

 

The whole movie Castiel just let himself enjoy the moment. Times like these were few and far in between.

 

“Cas? Can we talk after we put the kids to bed?” Dean was gathering Aiden up in his arms and whispering over the end credits.

 

“Can it wait till the morning?” Castiel didn’t want to ruin the pleasant ending to what started out as a terrible day.

 

“Umm..I’d rather…yea it can wait.” Dean wasn’t too crazy about waiting to talk over the prospect of his extension if they were going to fight, he wanted to get it over with, so they could reconcile before he left, he needed Cas to understand it would be for the best.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When the dam breaks you don't get to control the flow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I haven't updated in so long. This story is very personal to me and is taking me through a lot emotionally. I hope you all enjoy the new chapter. I know it was cathartic for me.

Castiel woke up trapped in what could only be described as a labyrinth of arms and legs. He’d forgotten about this part of having his husband home. He reveled in the warmth and embraced the wonderfully domestic moment before the madness of the weekend. Looking beside him he took in the relaxed almost child-like appearance of his husbands face.

 

So many times before, he could see the way travel and stress was wearing on him. There was something he wanted to talk about, maybe they should get it over with before the kids woke up, or more likely decided that they needed food beyond cereal and the yogurt that they could reach on their own.

 

Cas tried to get up and head for the bathroom, but Dean only held on tighter snuggling into his shoulder.

 

“No, not yet, I’m not ready for reality just yet.”

 

Castiel chuckled and let his hands wrap around Deans shoulders, carding one hand through his dark spiky hair.

 

“Soon we won't have a choice, and I really need to get up.”

 

After a quick kiss Dean relented and let go, grabbing a pillow to burrow his face into instead of Castiel.

 

“Since you’re home, and it’s the weekend. What do you think about making some of your apple pie waffles? “

 

Castiel yelled out from the bathroom as he brushed his teeth. He didn’t wait for a sound of acknowledgment.

 

“If you do I’ll make those stuffed bacon burgers that you love so much for dinner.”

 

“You, my handsome husband have a deal” Dean shuffled over and wrapped his arms around Castiels waist tucking his head into his neck.

 

The door to the bedroom blew open under the force of two hyper children.

 

“Its time to get up!! Let's watch Cartoons!! Can we play a video game?!?” Aidan and Claire bombarded their parents with a litany of questions, too many to keep up with let alone answer coherently.

 

“Woah, guys how about Aidan you help me make the batter for apple pie waffles? And Claire you’re going to be in charge of helping me make my cinnamon whip cream? Let's leave dad to relax for a little bit longer okay?”

 

“YAY”

 

Both kids jumped and ran for the kitchen more than excited to make a mess across the countertops.

 

Dean gave Castiel one last kiss on his cheek and hustled out of the room. He knew if he left it for too long those two would try to start on their own making the mess he’d already signed up for exponentially worse.

 

Breakfast came out perfectly, apple pie waffles and a heaping side of bacon.

 

“Kids go upstairs and play, I’ll come up in a little bit.” Dean shuffled the kids up the stairs. He knew it would be better to talk to Cas sooner rather than later. Mainly because he would have to leave before any of them woke in the morning. Any fall out needed to be started so that they could be at peace with each other before he left for a long time again.

 

Castiel refreshed their mugs with coffee, his sweetened with a little honey and a touch of milk. Deans just black. ‘ _The darker the better babe’_

 

Although it was only a few feet from the stairs to the dining room where his husband was waiting, Dean felt like he was walking a million miles. Every scenario in his mind told him that this talk was not about to go well. He had a 1 in about 15 billion chance. Not good odds

 

“So what is it this time?” Castiel didn’t even bother to let Dean reach his seat and get comfortable, the only time Dean seemed to need to talk is when he was leaving again. Chasing after some magical amount of money to fulfill a space that money wasn’t going to ever satisfy.

 

“I…..” Dean couldn’t make I contact. “I’ve been offered to extend for another 6 months” Deans closed his eyes and just waited for the fury to be unleashed on him.

 

“Okay”

 

Dean was in stunned silence, was that it? Okay? There had to be more to this.

 

“Okay? You’re not going to yell? Scream? Maybe throw that abomination of coffee in my face?” He tried to slip in a joke hoping to add some levity to the situation. Maybe the moment wouldn’t seem so heavy. Maybe Castiel was finally starting to understand.

 

“Yea Okay, Just answer one thing for me?” Castiel tightened his grip on his cup. These next words took courage, they were his darkest fears.

 

“Yea sure baby, anything for you.” The tight look on Castiels face pained Dean so much. It hurt, even more, knowing it was him that put it there.

 

“Why is it so easy for you to leave me?” The words were barely louder than a whisper. Castiels voice cracked and tears began to well up in his eyes. Not ready to really hear the answer, Castiel picked up his mug and retreated to his bedroom and locked the door.

 

Dean sat at the table in utter shock.

 

He had done this. He had made his husband feel as if he was running from him? Is that how he really saw it? Dean sat and thought back on the 10 years that they’ve been married, he’s been gone for……Damn near half……Shit

 

Before Dean could gather his thoughts to even go after Cas, the bedroom door slammed open.

 

“I’ve had it! I’m done playing second to your job!” Castiel tossed Deans duffle bag out of the room. “I understand your current contract is binding, but I also know when it ends.” The whole time Castiel is speaking in a hushed furious whisper, the last thing he wanted to do was upset the children.

 

“Understand this Dean Michael Winchester, if you take this extension. Our marriage is over. I’m taking the kids and leaving. I will not put them through the same waiting game that I have endured for far too long. You think long and hard on that while you wait for your flight at the airport. GET OUT!!!”

 

With his final words, Castiel took off his wedding band and slammed it into Deans' chest.

 

Castiel turned and went up the stairs. This discussion was clearly over.


	7. Chapter 7

Dean sat at the airport bar a few glasses of whiskey already in his system his duffle bag at his feet.

 

Watching the amber liquid swirl around in the glass, he realized that maybe he was already too drunk. He found it hard to care, he’d somehow managed to destroy his marriage. Destroy his blue-eyed husband in the process chasing after the standard set by his father.

 

What he couldn’t figure out is how he was going to fix this. Couldn’t Cas understand that he was doing it for them? He needed to be able to support his family, and this is what he was good at doing. This is what he was paid to do.

 

  _Cas doesn’t even know what you really do_

 

A traitorous voice pops up from the back of his mind.

 

“Mind if I join you?” Dean looked up to see an older man with shoulder-length salt and pepper hair and steely blue eyes.

 

Dean shrugged “It’s a free country, I doubt I’ll be much company.”

 

“Get dumped or majorly screw up? Names Cain by the way.” Cain signaled the bartender ordered an old fashioned.

 

Dean didn’t answer his question, instead, he downed the glass and ordered another.

 

“I’ve been around a while, only two things make a man drink like that. A broken heart or a broken home.” Cain swirled his drink around studying the reaction on Deans face.

 

Dean still hadn’t said any words; the only answer was a grunt and nodding of his head.

 

The two sat in companionable silence for some time.

 

“If I extend my assignment, my husband is going to leave me. He doesn’t understand I’m doing this for him. I mean it's not like we’re broke, but our savings could use the bump since that last move--.” Dean didn’t know why or how but he just couldn’t stop the word vomit from happening. “I mean he said it was about the kids and don’t get me wrong I love my kids but they’re still small there’s time. This job opportunity won’t be there forever.

I’ve been gone for a while already what’s a few more months right? It’s like he just refuses to see my side, a man needs to work and provide for his family. I’m just doing it the best way I know how.”

 

Dean had Castiels ring in his hands during his speech looking down at it, he realized there were a few tears escaping during his speech. He quickly wiped them away and attached the ring to the chain around his neck.

 

“Now I don’t know your whole situation, but I can tell you this; money is great, but it doesn’t keep you warm at night. Money won’t sit and watch movies on a Saturday night, money won’t make you soup when you’re sick, money won’t be there to share your joys. So, tell me, son, what’s more important? The money or your family?” Cain finished his drink, tossed a $20 on the bar and collected his bags.

 

“Seems to me it might not be as hard as you’re making it out to be.” Cain squeezed Deans shoulder for a grounding moment and walked away.

 

The way Cain put it it was a no brainer which Dean would choose, but why couldn’t he have both? The money and his family. Looking at his watch he realized it was later than he believed. Dean threw a couple of bills on the bar to cover his tab, snatched up his duffle bag and ran to his gate.  There had to be a way to smooth things over back home. Luckily, he was drunk enough he would sleep his entire flight.

 

 

 

 

Cas trudged up the stairs emotionally numb.

 

Had he really said that?

 

Was he really prepared to follow through?

 

His body moving on autopilot, he plopped down on the floor in between the kids. Claire immediately claimed his lap.

 

“Papa!!! Are you going to play with us?” Claire wrapped her arms around his neck in one of her oh-so-right hugs that she’s given since birth.

 

“No, I’m just going to watch Babygirl.” Castiel turned her around so she was facing the screen. Aiden shifted his position, so he was pressed into his Papas’ side. Castiel sat with the kids and let the morning replay through his mind over and over. The whole time Aiden was explaining each part of the video game they were playing in vivid detail. It was irrelevant that Cas could see it all for himself, Aiden felt the need to educate his Papa. Castiel was more than willing to be able to silently nod while his mind tried to figure out what to do if his marriage truly was over.

 

Part of Castiel worried that Dean would pick the extension over the marriage, not taking his threat seriously. Another part worried Dean would take the extension because he didn’t care. All of his insecurities were coming back, it had been years since they were so prominent in his life. It was Dean that had convinced him they were nonsense but were they? 

 

Around lunchtime, Castiel called Sam to update him and possibly get some advice, especially legality and the best way to proceed with the kids.

 

Understandably, Sam tried to convince him that the situation wasn’t as bad as he thought it was, but the tone in his voice betrayed him.

 

“Sam, I understand Dean is your brother, but I need you to be objective. Do you think I am being unreasonable?” Castiel stepped out of the room where the kids were eating their lunchtime snacks. The fact that they hadn’t asked where Dean had gone saddened him, they were so used to him disappearing it was just a fact of life.

 

“Cas look, man, that’s, you’re putting me in a tough spot man. I mean I get it, you’re tired of the single parent life. It’s not what you signed up for and it’s not fair for the kids, but is divorce really going to fix that?” Sam just had to ask the obvious questions

 

“I don’t want to leave him, I love Dean you know that, but I’m done being second best or an after-thought. I’m hoping this is the wake-up call he needs, and things start to change.” Cas let his head drop back onto the wall. It was taking everything in him not to cry. He had to be strong for the kids. He always had to be strong for the kids, but his strength wasn’t running low

 

He was lonely

 

He was worse than lonely

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

Castiel spent days just going through the motions.

 

_It’s not even a hard choice he’s leaving._

The conversation with Sam looped through his mind.

 

Would a divorce really solve his problem? His problem was that he was lonely. He missed his husband, he was tired of being a consolation prize.

Divorce wouldn’t change that, but at least he wouldn’t be floating in limbo anymore.

 

Sam’s advice when it came to divorce and custody was a big deterrent. Seeing as how one child had been adopted the other a surrogate fathered by Dean, if Dean chose to fight him, he could lose one of his children.

 

_Both of them are better off without you anyway_

That voice was getting louder these days

 

Harder to ignore against the white noise of his daily existence.

 

Castiel put on a strong façade when it came to working. Although now he got a billion questions about the mystery husband who called the store. Mostly he was questioned by Charlie, and that girl was persistent, but wearing headphones constantly got his message across _Do not talk to me._

The only thing that kept Castiel from crumbling completely was having to take care of the children.

 

Aidan still needed help with his homework, Claire always demanded his help on her latest art project.

 

Castiel decided one night he needed to be proactive about his own possible future. Researching places that they have previously lived, instantly deciding they weren’t moving back to the Midwest, both the children seemed to be happiest when they lived on the coast. Either side of the country had the promise of decent employment and friends they’d previously left behind so he wouldn’t be without some sort of support system.

 

“Aidan!!! Claire!!!” Cas called the children down to look at houses with him.

 

This wasn’t an unusual thing as he’d done this with them for every move, even when they were infants and only offered gurgles for their opinions.

 

As they ran in the room Aidan recognized the website and instantly his smile faded. “No!!! I don’t want to move again!!!” Aidan turned and ran out of the room. He never did handle change well.

 

Claire watched her brother run out of the room with a confused look on her face.” What's wrong with him Papa?” Castiel pat the bed next to him and helped her climb up and settle.

 

“Don’t worry Claire, Aidan will be alright he just needs to take some time and calm down. Now I need your help with something. Which house do you like better?”

 

Castiel scrolled through pictures of houses on either coast since he couldn’t decide maybe Aidan and Claire could make this choice for him. He knew it made no sense to let them have such weight on the decision but it's their life too.

 

After going through the photos of 4 different houses, Claire looked up. “I like the blue house!!! It has a big kitchen with two ovens so we ALWAYS have room to make cookies!!!” Castiel couldn’t help but chuckle at her reasoning.

 

“Okay thank you, Claire, go play upstairs please.”

 

Castiel went back to the house she had chosen, admittedly it was his favorite out of the available options, and it was coming available just as the lease on their current home would be ending.

 

West coast it is. Aidan likes the beach, he’ll only be made for a few days as long as we visit the beach soon after the move.

 

 

 

 

 

Dean snatched up his duffle from the rack where he slept. It was time to check into headquarters for his next assignment and have a much-needed conversation with his boss.

 

Honestly, he wasn’t sure what he was going to say.

 

The ultimatum given to him by his husband had rocked his world, but the money he’d make on this extension would set them for life and he could give Cas the life he truly deserved.

 

_“Don’t be an idiot Dean, Cas doesn’t need the money he needs you”_

 

Sams words echoed through his brain. He’d called Sam just to vent out his stress and he ended up word vomiting the whole situation.

 

“He’s waiting for you in the office Mr. Winchester. You can leave your bag here.”

 

Dean was surprised he hadn’t even needed to say anything to the receptionist before he was being sent into an office he’d only ever been in once to sign his initial contract years ago.

 

“Winchester. Come in have a seat. Tell me, what was so important that we couldn’t have this meeting in the field? Preferably at a bar?” Deans boss was an older unassuming man with grey hair and a matching beard, but there was something about him that terrified Dean.

 

“Well, Mr. Pravus—”

 

“Please call me Ramiel, we’ve worked together for years now.”

 

“Ramiel, umm.. sir, well I wanted to talk to you about the contract extension that you offered me.” Any other time Dean was the most confident man in the room but sitting opposite his boss he couldn’t help but fidget and stutter like a prepubescent teen.

 

“Oh, you’re ready to finish signing then? Good, you only need one final signature and date at the bottom since you’ve filled in everything else already.” Mr. Pravus opened the bottom drawer of his desk and pulled out the contract that Dean had previously filled in with all of his demands.

 

“Umm, well sir, I came to tell you that I don’t think I can take the extension. You see there are problems back home and—”

 

“Aww, Dean don’t tell me the little lady is giving you problems? I thought you were old school like me, not one of these new age equality blah blah blah people. You wear the pants in the marriage just show her who’s boss and she’ll be eating out of your hand.”

 

Dean cringed listening to the entire speech. Dean hadn’t made it known among his professional circle that he was married to a man. They all knew he was married due to the paperwork having a spouse listed as the next of kin. He didn’t outright lie, it's just when they saw the name Castiel they made assumptions and he never bothered to correct them.

 

Everything the boss kept saying was grating away at his self-esteem. Words from his past, being yelled at by his father started resurfacing in his mind.

 

“Whatever just give me the pen.”

 

Dean read over the whole contract again just to make sure that there was nothing new added, having a brother for a lawyer made him extra wary when it came to signing things.

 

When he got to the end of the contract his hand hovered over the final line that still required his signature.

 

“Well Winchester, are you going to sign? I haven’t got all night.“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, it has been so long since there was an update. It's honestly harder than I thought to write something based on my own experiences. It's making me face so much of what I thought I was over but I'm finding out was just buried down deep. The amount of support I have received for this story has been so heartwarming and reassuring. I appreciate every one of my readers.


	9. Chapter 9

“That’s it! File the paperwork, Sam. He’s made his choice.” Castiel sat at the dining room table in the dark sipping on the whiskey Dean had left behind. His voice was more growling that speech.

 

“Cas, maybe it was a misunderstanding, there's got to be a real reason for the call.” Sam was on a business trip in NYC meaning it was even farther into twilight time for him.

 

“Sam, there's no new special way to interpret a call from yet another moving company. We get the same call every time he signs a new contract. I gave him his options. He’s made his choice. Now he’s going to have to live with it.” Castiels voice betrayed him towards the end of his statement. He’d been thinking on it all day, but it was only in that moment, saying it out loud that Castiel really internalized that Dean, the man he loved. Had chosen the job over him. Had chosen the job over their family, over their children.

 

“Cas? Cas? I know how this looks, man. I’m not gonna lie it looks really bad. I mean….really…really bad, but we both know how much Dean loves you and how much he loves your kids. I can’t believe that he would do something like this to you. Let me at least talk to him before you do something drastic.” Sam was pleading with Castiel. Knowing that Castiel had already priced houses, researched school districts and even had a few calls out for positions at a few different specialty candy shops. Sam was scared that this one call was going to rip apart the family that he knew Dean so desperately needed to stay sane.

 

“He’s made his choice. File the papers” Castiel whispered as he finished off his drink. “I need to get to bed, I’m sure you do too. I don’t know how I’m going to explain to the kids we’re moving again. At least this will be the last time.” Castiel was mostly talking to himself at this point. Half mumbles, partial sentences, and unfinished thoughts made their way out, but they didn’t make much sense.

 

_He doesn’t want you. What good are you? You always knew it was too good to last. He probably found someone better. He deserves better._

 

“Just wait for the end of the school year. Give me that long?” Sam knew his pleading fell on deaf ears. “You know Cas just remember you’ve still got me.” Sam hung up the phone and wiped a hand across his face. He was going to find Dean and kick his ass until he fixed this.

 

 

 

The next morning wasn’t the greatest. Hungover or not the kids still needed to get up for school. Castiel went through the motions, more numb from heartache than hurt from the hangover or the heartbreak.

 

On the drive to school, Castiel decided to at least test the waters with the children. “So, guys tell me, what do you think about possibly moving again?”

 

Aiden seemed indifferent, this would be the 5thmove he was a part of but only the 3rdhe would be old enough to remember. His silence actually only meant one thing, sadness. Aiden never dealt with change well. If there was a call from school about his behavior in the coming days Castiel wouldn’t hold it against him.

 

Claire was excited. “Are we going to be able to go to the beach? I want to live near the beach. Then I could meet a mermaid and we’ll be best friends!!”

 

Castiel called the realtor and the candy shop on the coast. He scheduled a few virtual tours of houses that fit his requirements and scheduled an over the phone interview for a possible job. Sam asked him to wait for the end of the school year, well that was only 3 weeks away so he better work quickly.

 

Working in the candy shop building his creations couldn’t even pull Castiel out of his numb existence. Usually seeing the joy in a childs' eyes when they found his latest creation warmed his heart, now there was nothing. When Mrs. Levi walked in with a crooked glint in her eyes he didn’t rise to the challenge. She actually seemed a little disappointed that he wasn’t in the mood for their battle of details.

 

“I don’t know who it is, but if they can take away your spirit like this, maybe it was for the best that they aren’t around anymore.” Mrs. Levi held his gaze for only a moment before walking out without making a purchase.

 

Castiel stood in stunned silence, she’d only ever barked harsh criticisms at any person working in the shop. Now she offered words of wisdom.

 

 

After a long day at work, Castiel picked up the kids taking them home for their daily routine. “Did you really mean it, Papa?” Aiden looked up thoughtfully from his spaghetti still twisting his fork in the noodles. “Are we moving again or were you just asking?”

 

“is daddy going to come to help us?” Claire chimed in before Castiel could answer Aidens question.

 

“First, let me answer Aidens' question. We can move if you would like. I want us to go back to the west coast where we could go to the beach. Do you remember that? What do you think about that?” Castiel watched Aidens' face as he could see the wheels turning in his mind.

 

“And no sweetie, daddy won't be coming to help us. If we move it’ll just be the three of us.” Castiel ran his fingers through her hair trying to comfort her as best as he could. She looked up at him confused for a second but just as quickly she shrugged. “If we move then I’ll get to play with the mermaids if we don’t then I get to stay with my friends here. Like Alex, she’s my best friend.

Well, that was the vote of the youngest, she was ambivalent. Then again she was the socialite, Claire had never met a stranger. His true concern was Aiden.

 

“Papa?“

 

“Would I be able to paint my room any color?” Aiden was laser-focused on a knot in the wood grain.

 

“Yes, you could make your room into anything you’d want it to be.” Castiel waited patiently, Aiden was working through it in his mind, and he could take as much time as he needed there would be no rush.

 

“okay.” Aiden finished his dinner without another question.

 

Castiel laid up that night unable to sleep. He was battling his self-destructive mind. No one knew that he had tried to speak to counselors about his daily mental battle. For a while he was fine, everything was great. He had a loving husband, two wonderful children and a job that basically made him Willy Wonka. (Well in his mind anyway). Now he was getting divorced, possibly losing one or both of his children.  
  


He’d considered moving close to Sam and leaving the children with him. Sam would be a great father. He’s smart, logical, level headed and great at emotional talks as well as playing princess. SO much better than Castiel could ever see himself being. Clearly, Dean had realized how much he deserved better and so do their children. 

 They don't need him around and will do so much better without him.

Castiel made a mental checklist

                        Check the will

                        Check houses near Sam

                        Make sure Sam has a copy of all records for the kids

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

School ended without much fanfare. Aiden’s class had a small party, but since everything was meant to be healthy the only thing there that even qualified as junk food was the organic tortilla chips and vegan cheese dip.

 

_Dean would hate that_

 

The moving company showed up and Castiel confirmed the new address where they would be moving. Cas had flown out and found the perfect place. One of the children’s rooms already had a complete wall of chalkboard paint. He’d let Claire enjoy that room so that Aiden could be free to paint his room anyway he pleased

 

While the men were packing everything Castiel took the time just to spend a few precious moments with his children. He wanted their memories, whatever would last to be of happier times.

 

 They spent time at the zoo. Aiden was enamored with the alpaca and the alpaca with him. Claire went crazy for all the tiny monkeys. He sat back and watched her run back and forth in front of the enclosure for at least 20 minutes. Almost as if they had been friends since birth.

By the time they returned for the night Aiden had numbed his brain with all of the animal facts that he learned while walking around. Claire was passed out in her seat.

 

Ninety-percent of the house was in boxes.

 

“Umm…where are we going to sleep?” Aiden walked around the house poking at all the boxes, reading some of the labels. Castiel couldn’t help but chuckle at the expression on the boy's face. Talk about a carbon copy of his father.

 

“Well Aiden, I was thinking that setting up our tent in the back yard. What do you think about that buddy?” Castiel hoped this wouldn’t upset his son too much. Aiden was all about his routine and good lord help them if his routine was thrown off too much, that boy became a holy terror.

 

“Can we make s’mores?” Aiden looked out the window into the yard, as if surveying the territory.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Then, ok! I’m gonna go find the best spot to put the tent.” Aiden bolted out the back door closely followed by his sister who was screaming like a banshee.

 

After releasing a breath he’d been holding, Castiel couldn’t help but smile and shake his head. The kids would make it through this just fine. It was him that he was worried about. Well, not worried about. He just had to hold on for a little bit longer.

 

 

 

 

Dean sat on his bunk numb to the outside world. Bottle of whiskey in his hand.

 

There was a manila envelope on his bed when he returned from his latest assignment. He assumed it would be his next assignment. Usually, he had some sort of briefing about who would be the next person to enter his chamber. Drops like this were rare, usually meant this needed to be handled quickly and they didn’t want to waste time on a long briefing and strategizing.

 

Divorce papers. Dean sat and stared at the papers with his husbands no _exhusbands_ signature on them. It was only an extra stab to the heart when he realized that it was his brother's name listed as Castiels attorney.

 

Sam should have said something!! Yes, he could admit that he hadn’t bothered to call his brother lately. Lately being the last month but _this!??!_ What had he done to Sam to make him not try and stop this?

 

Blackout rules be damned he had to know why. Dean grabbed his cell and started dialing.

 

“Hello?” Sams' voice was little more than a grunt. Dean looked at his watch, it was like 2 am where Sam lived. He hadn’t thought this through he just needed answers

 

“Sam” Dean couldn’t say much more his voice was already starting to break like his heart which was shattering more with every minute.

 

“Dean? You usually call in the middle of the day, is everything alright?” Dean could hear his brother shuffling around, no doubt the moose was sitting up. A groan let him know Sam had just looked at the clock.

 

“Am I alright? Sam why am I looking at divorce papers from my husband excuse me _ex-husband_ with your law firms name on them. More specifically your name!?” By the end of the question, Dean was screaming.

 

“Oh so you got the papers, I wasn’t sure if they would find you, where ever you are.” Sam was clearly more awake, most likely having resigned himself to being up for the day.

 

“Yea they found me, it sounds like you know more about this so tell me what happened Sam? I thought I had time.” Dean took another big gulp of whiskey. “He—Cas—he told me that he would divorce me if I signed another contract. He gave me an ultimatum, our marriage or the next contract.” Dean had so much more to say but this was not the time or place for sharing and caring.

 

“I know. Dean Castiel has been, he’s been sad for so long. You’re gone all the time talking about earning money. You have enough money. I tried to talk him out of filing the papers, but when the moving company called to set up the next move, there was nothing I could do. He was heartbroken. How could you do this to him?” Sam had watched his brother-in-law struggle with being lonely for years once Dean started this job that none of them really knew about and was gone for long periods of time.

 

“What moving company Sam? I didn’t send a moving company. Sam, I didn’t sign the new contract. I’ve been getting the shit jobs because Ra- my boss doesn’t want me to leave.” Dean couldn’t help but think that man had something to do with this. Of course, he’d assumed correctly the reason Dean wouldn’t sign was because of the spouse he had waiting for him.

“You didn’t? Sams' voice perked up in shock, maybe excitement. “Dean you need to get home now.” Sams mind started going a mile-a-minute. If Dean didn’t sign the papers that meant that Dean hadn’t chosen his work over his family. Castiel was about to move those kids back to the coast near him and leave Dean behind based on the wrong information. “Those aren’t the only papers Castiel had me handle. He had me update his will, Dean he named me to take the responsibility of the kids in case anything happens to him.” Sam stayed silent for a moment to let that information sink in. Castiel hadn’t been doing well, he’d seemed sullenly resigned lately. Sam figured he’d be able to see them after the move as he wasn’t going to be too far away from them.

 

“He what? Sam, he hasn’t touched that will since Claire was born.” Dean took another deep gulp. He’d caused his husband such pain was there any way he could get back the man he loved? Of course, he didn’t say any of that to Sam, this wasn’t a chick-flick moment.

 

“Wait, Sam, you said a moving company, where are they moving to?” Dean hadn’t tried to call home since he’d left on such frayed terms. He figured they could take his last two months to cool down, he’d come home and it would all work itself out.

 

“I don’t have the new address, but I know they’re coming west, Cas mentioned wanting the kids to be closer to me in case anything happened. Dean, he’s not okay. Is there any way you can get here before your two months is up?” The way Sam talked pulled at Deans' heart. Had he really pushed Cas to his limit and lost him forever. The more whiskey he drank the more his thoughts spiraled into negative territory.

 

“……..Dean? Look, I’m worried about Castiel and I’m worried about you. I know how you get. Just, call him, this is clearly a miss understanding and the longer you let this be, the worse it will get. if you can get home or to the west coast in the next few days. I know you only have 2 weeks left. Maybe they’ll let you out of your contract early.”

 

Dean sat in silence, Castiel was truly leaving him, leaving behind the dream home they had together, moving to a new place where there would be no memories of Dean.

 

Dean put the bottle down on his nightstand. “Sammy, I’ve got work to do. Tell Cas that I love him and I’ll be home soon.”

 

Dean hung up the phone before his brother could answer. Two weeks early out of the contract? There was only one way to make that happen. He had to take out one of the top five on the board.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I've been gone for a while. I have moved across the country, graduated college and now I'm on to the next stage of life. I will try to keep up with regular updates until the story has come to completion. I do hope you guys are still with me. I appreciate those that are still along for the ride.

The two-day drive happened and ended with Castiel on autopilot. Normally, he would have made the trip last a week. Sam would meet the moving truck at the new house so that they could unload, and he would turn into what Dean always called a ‘true road trip’. Walking into the new home Castiel almost felt…numb. This house was everything that the kids wanted. They were close to the water, Sam was nearby meaning his dog Bones was always a willing playmate. Most important, by getting there early meant that he could sign his updated will just that much sooner. It would all be over soon

 

_Everybody will be so much better without me_

 

That night was another campout. The boxes had all been placed in their respective rooms and the furniture set up accordingly, but Castiel just did not have the energy to unpack anything before the morning came.

 

“Guess what guys?! We’re going to camp out again!!” Castiel yelled towards the bedrooms in the house. Thank goodness this was a ranch-style home….no stairs.

 

“Camping again? Can we sleep inside?” Aiden was less than pleased with the idea of sleeping outside after a long car ride.

 

“I know buddy, but your bed doesn’t have any sheets on it yet.” Castiel walked up behind his son and kissed him on the head. Aiden slumped his shoulders. The last thing Castiel wanted to do was upset the kids. Speaking of kids…Claire was unusually quiet.

 

“You know what how about you grab your sleeping bag and put that on the bed for tonight? I have to go find your sister, she’s being too quiet.”

 

“You know that means she’s up to something papa.” Aiden gave his two cents on the matter before closing the door to his room, sleeping bag in hand.

 

Castiel turned the corner to see Claire covered head-to-toe in his shaving cream. The shaving cream he could’ve sworn was still in his duffle bag, by the front door.

 

“Look, Papa!! I’m a snowman!!!” Claire held out her hands and Castiel realized only then that Claire was not wearing her clothes, they were piled on the bed. Adding that to the plus column, he thanked his lucky stars that this house had nothing but hardwood floors. Castiel picked up Claire and headed for the bathroom. He didn’t want to take time for baths tonight, but now he had no choice.

 

“Alright, snowman it’s time to melt you down and get my little girl back.” Castiel held Claire out in front of him so he didn’t get any of the shaving cream on him. Sitting Claire down in the tub, Castiel started the warm water, Claire immediately started smacking her hands in it, getting water everywhere. Usually, he would discipline her and explain that it's not proper bathtub etiquette, but this time Castiel decided to cherish the moment. He sat on the tile floor, back against the wall and really looked at his daughter. He looked at the ringlets in her bright blonde hair, the dimple in her smile. He took notice of how her fingers would bend forming her hand into a cup right before it hit the water for a maximum splash.

 

She was such a beautiful girl. The tears welled up in his eyes as he thought about how he wouldn’t be there to see her off to her first day of school, he wouldn’t be there to see her off to her first school dance, maybe talk to her about her latest crush, to see her walk across the stage for her high school graduation.

 

“Papa? Papa don’t cry the snowman didn’t eat me up I’m right here Papa.” Claire was looking over at him, the smile on her face replaced with concern.  Claire cupped his face with her foam-covered hands in an attempt to comfort him, if only she knew how much pain he really was in at that moment.

 

Once Castiel put the children to bed, he began the herculean task of unpacking boxes and getting their new house organized. Losing sleep didn’t much matter as he would only be lying awake in his bed anyway. Insomnia had become a close friend and didn’t seem to be going away any time soon.

 

Castiel methodically went through boxes. He kept an organized plan. First, he tackled the boxes for the kitchen, freshly moved in or not the children would undoubtedly be going to request either French toast or pancakes for breakfast. Going through those boxes, he realized how many things he’d held onto throughout the years and many moves that really just needed to be let go.

 

With the kitchen complete he decided to attempt sleeping. Bundled up in his sleeping bag Castiel stared at the ceiling, completely zoned out from reality. 

 

_Everybody will be so much better without me_

 

Next, to him, his phone rang until it went to voicemail. A message that Castiel wouldn’t notice until the morning

 

 

 

 

 

Dean spent more time on research and strategy than he ever had previously in his career. Typically, he would just go with whatever information was given to him in the dossier for his next “acquisition”, but since he had lofty goals in mind and was working to fast track the end of his contract, he needed to be sure that he could trust all of his information. Ramiel was not above sabotage, Dean had seen many good operators get injured on the job due to false or incomplete information. This was important to avoid because according to the contract, any time and money spent in recuperation due to injury while working had to be repaid to the company, meaning an extension on his time. If any of what Sa has been saying is true, then that’s not something Dean can risk at this moment.

Dean set his sights on the 4thfrom the top of the list. Important enough to warrant a negotiation but not so infamous that they had their own body count of ‘contractors’ who had attempted their capture.

 

Normally, while working a case Dean would spend his downtime sampling every local sweet treat he could find. Just because he was hard at work didn’t mean a man couldn’t enjoy the finer things in life. Finer things almost exclusively meaning any type of pie or pie-like thing he could find, but the point still stands.

 

Among his favorites had to have been the Moroccan Chicken bastille, a mix of sweet and savory that he didn’t know existed before and would never forget. He even asked for the recipe as something he could make for Castiel and the kids once he was retired from this stressful job. A year ago, even a month ago he couldn’t imagine not working as a contractor but talking to Sam smacked him with the reality of the situation. Castiel was done dealing with his prolonged absences, Sam sounded truly afraid of what might be going on in Castiels head and the only way to truly fix the situation is to physically be there.

 

Dean sat on his small cot in a rented room only a few miles away from his intended target with what felt like the weight of the world on his shoulders. He knew his aversion to real discussions and prolonged absences were going to cause problems, but he never thought for a second that Castiel would up and move the kids away without discussing it with him. In all fairness, it’s not like he was available to talk recently.

 

Dean sat on the bed and stared at the cell phone in his hands. He wanted to call his husband, hear his voice, tell him he loved him. This mission, what he hoped was his last mission was going to be dangerous. Normally, he wouldn’t call until after he was done and that call usually went to Sam who had creepy accuracy when it came to guessing his actual location regardless of what the caller ID did or didn’t say.

 

The phone rang and rang and eventually went to the voicemail. Deans heart sank, what if this was the last time he heard his husbands voice? A recording, a cold impersonal recording.

 

“Hey babe, I uh I know I haven’t called you as much as I should have while I've been gone. I uhh, I just want you to know that I love you and I’m sorry for everything. Tell the kids that I love them and give them hugs and kisses for me. If this goes right, then I will be with you soon. If it doesn’t, know that I will always love you and watch over you. I love you bumblebee.”

 

Dean ended the call and wiped the lone tear that escaped.

 

Steeling himself for what would be the longest night of his life, Dean secured his weapons and thought over the plan. He slowly slipped into his cold and distant calculating self.

 

Dean walked out of his room and slipped into the darkness with one goal in mind.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's an update!!! It's a painful one so beware. 
> 
> TW: Suicidal thoughts and ideation/ preparation
> 
>  
> 
> The song mentioned is Hold Back The River by James Bay  
> Another song I listened to while writing this was You Say by Lauren Daigle

Castiel went through the next week as normal as possible. Every day he and the kids put together a different room, making sure it really felt like a home for them. The bedrooms and kitchen were the top priority as those were the most used rooms for their family. Keeping in with their traditions, the kids were allowed to redecorate their rooms. Instead of a video game theme, Aiden opted for Minecraft. Claire decided quite seriously “I’m a big girl now Papa” So instead of unicorns she opted to have her room simply covered in rainbows. Castiel rolled his eyes and made sure they both had the rooms just the way they wanted it.

 

Having to start work as soon as possible meant he had to put the children in a summer camp right after they arrived. Luckily he found one that was closer to Sams’ place, meaning it made more sense for Sam to pick up the children in the evenings. He was lucky there were still spots open. It was an arts camp and a STEM camp run right next to each other that shared a cafeteria meaning siblings in different schools could still see each other during the day.

 

The last room to get put together, as usual, was his own.

 

Other times he was last because the kids needed to get settled and back into their routines, but this time he was last because he didn’t want to deal with the trip down memory lane. The picture of him and Dean from their honeymoon, the dried rose encased in glass that Dean got him for Valentines Day, the collection of flannels he’d taken from Dean over the years because somehow his were always so much softer.

 

Castiel only felt like himself while he was at work. _Confectioners Creations_ let him experiment as much as he pleased. His new boss loved his work and had already mentioned possibly getting trained to work with chocolate by one of their experts. The customers had been immediately drawn to the new colorful creatures in the showcase. As usual, he made his bees in a variety of colors and flavors. Now being in a new region Cas decided a new favorite to the lineup- birds, hummingbirds.

 

They’ve only been there a week but it’s easy to see that Castiel will be a staple at the shop for as long as he wants. He’s already starting a fan base of customers who normally pop in once a week but are coming every day just to see what he creates for that day. One guy in particular never seems to buy anything but always stays for a chat.

 

“Keep it up and I just might pay for your culinary training myself.” Castiels boss pats him on the shoulder as he leaves for the day.

 

The floating notification for his voicemail haunted him. He still hadn’t played what he could only assume was a half-truth explanation for why Dean took the new job. Excuses he just couldn’t listen to anymore. Dean made his choice so he doesn’t need to explain himself now.

 

The closer he gets to Sams home, the more weight lands on his shoulders, the number he begins to feel.  Listening to the radio he hears a song that holds new meaning for him.

Once upon a different life

We rode our bikes into the sky

But now we call against the tide

Those distant days are flashing by

 

Hold back the river, let me look in your eyes

Hold back the river so I

Can stop for a minute and be by your side

Hold back the river, hold back

 

A few tears fall down his cheeks

 

_It will all be over soon. Its better for everyone this way_

 

Castiel had decided that he was clearly an option for everyone, an accessory. Yes, he could admit that people might have liked having him around, but no one really needed him. He didn’t feel like him leaving did anything more than free up time in a persons life for another acquaintance to step in. He wouldn’t be missed. The kids would fare better in Sams care. He had a more stable living condition, the intelligence to mentally battle Aiden as well as the physical stamina needed to keep up with Claire.

 

The kids were finally settled in they had their daily routine. _This is all for the best_

Castiel got home that night to an empty house and a note left on the counter from Sam that the kids requested a sleepover. This was the final sign he needed.

 

Castiel ran himself a hot bath, made a cup of his favorite tea and dumped in the contents of a pouch he’d been keeping in his nightstand. All he had to do was fall asleep and it would be over.

_This is what's best for everyone, they’ll be happier without me_

 

 

 

 

 

Dean came to tied to a chair in what appeared to be a wine cellar. That means he was nowhere near his intended target and worse, he’d been caught. A quick survey of the room told him that he was alone and not being watched meaning whoever was holding him, had no worry about him being capable of escape. The bindings on his wrists were so tight his fingers were tingling after he’d only tugged a few times to test the knots.

 

The longer he sat and woke up, the more he started to notice.  His boots were missing, meaning so was his lucky knife, whatever they used to tie his hands was not the same material used on his legs and there are enough bottles in this room to fund both kids college funds plus some. Just by looking at the construction of the place he’d only need a few and he could be set for life.

 

“Dean, Dean, Dean. Did you really think you’d be able to get away with this without me knowing?” Dean looked up to see Ramiel standing on the other side of the glass speaking to him through an intercom system.  “You’re one of my best, I trained you myself. I was hoping one day I could move you over to management, and this is how you repay me?” The quiet controlled rage in the timbre of his voice told Dean all that he needed to know.

 

“No one tells me no Dean, no one. I thought you knew that.” Ramiel reached into the inside pocket of his blazer and pulled out the contract that Dean had refused to sign before. “This can go one of two ways, you can sign it now and I will forgive this…..tantrum, for a fee of course. Or I can show you the true extent of my knowledge of pain, after which you sign it with your broken fingers.” Dean glared at the man that had once been his mentor, someone he aspired to become. “I will tell you, Dean, in full disclosure, if you force my hand, those you care about will suffer most.” Ramiel lifted his cell phone and showed him a CCTV video recording of Aiden and Claire at camp. ” Cute things aren’t they, it’s a shame how fragile life is at that age.”

 

Every bit of rage dissolved into desperation, he thought he’d kept them away from this life, safe from any reprisals. He’d been so careful to never mention them, their names weren’t on any paperwork. He’d tried so hard to protect them.

 

“Oh, did you really think I didn’t know? It’s my job to know everything about everyone. That’s how I’ve grown to be so successful Dean. The world survives on secrets. ” Ramiel punched a code into the pad on the wall and the glass door swung open. He sauntered in and slowly circled Dean still bound in the chair. “ My most favorite of secrets of yours, however, is that delicious husband of yours.” Dean tensed up in his chair. Not Cas, he couldn’t let his family suffer for his poor decisions. “Now, be a good boy and sign here on the dotted line. I’ve already got an assignment waiting for you.”

 

Ramiels own arrogance was his downfall. He unbound one of Deans hands so that he would be able to sign the new contract. Of course, he’d tweaked the terms in his favor, more years, less pay, fewer protections. He pulled out a fancy burgundy and gold leafed fountain pin.  Confident that he had Deans obedience he placed the contract on Deans lap and handed over the pin.

 

Deans hand shook as he began to sign, tears welled up in his eyes. He didn’t want to break his promise to his husband, but he couldn’t put their lives at risk. When Ramiel reached down to retrieve the signed contract, Dean jammed the fountain pin straight into his jugular.

 

“DON’T YOU EVER THREATEN MY FAMILY AGAIN!!!”

 

Ramiel clutched at his throat as blood gushed through his fingers and down his body. Dean took the pen and stabbed him again to ensure that he would die. By the time Dean had finished freeing himself from the rest of his bindings, Ramiel was just a cold body on the cellar floor.

Not one to stick around in case they were heard, Dean searched the body for anything useful making sure to take the contract with him and proceeded to slip out of the house. He was done, he was going home and it didn’t matter if God himself tried to stop him.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was particularly hard to write. SO many emotions and so much to unwrap in a small amount of time. I'm sorry its been a while since I updated. I hope somebody out there is still reading.

_Silence_

You know some people say silence is golden while others believe that silence is deafening.

 

Silence

 

This is not what he expected. Pearly gates? Angels on fluffy cotton candy-like clouds playing harps with halos floating above their heads? Or maybe hellfire. The smell of burning flesh and constant shrieks of terror and pain. He could have and happily would have taken either. What Castiel didn’t expect was silence.

 

Castiel was stuck somewhere in limbo. He could tell that he wasn’t dead but he also wasn’t completely alive either.

 

A noise behind him caught his attention. Castiel turned to see a moment of his life playing like a movie trailer.

 

The day they brought Aiden home.

 

Dean fumbled with getting him in the car correctly. They both were nervous about feeding him. Were they doing it right? Were they going to mess up this perfect gift that they had been given?

 

This moment froze when they stared into each other’s eyes after putting Aiden to bed. A

 

A moment of pure love.

 

Castiel felt his heartache as he turned away from the memory. Only to be faced with another.

 

Aiden’s first steps

 

Explaining to Aiden that he would be a big brother

 

Bringing Claire home for the first time.

 

The clips of his life kept coming.

 

_I guess this is what they mean by your whole life flashes before your eyes._

Then there was one that Castiel couldn’t remember. The woman he was looking at seemed very familiar. Standing there in a wedding dress, with tears in her eyes. Those bright eyes. _Claire_

Adult Claire carrying her first child.

 

Aiden standing in front of the NASA building.

 

For all of these moments, Castiel couldn’t help but notice how many of them did not have Dean in them.

 

“If you choose to stay, you stay because you choose to. Not because of someone else’s desire or else you will only end up returning here.” A voice echoed through the endless darkness. Castiel looked up at the memories he’d lived and the moments he would miss should he not wake up. Castiel knew in his heart what the correct choice was and walked away from the montage.

 

 

 Sam sat in the chair next to Castiels bed, the only sounds in the room were being made by the machines monitoring his vitals. His clothes were ruffled from having spent the night and tired from getting the kids to their daily activities. If he could do one thing right it would be to keep their lives as normal as possible.

 

Sam felt so guilty and so stupid. He should have seen this was coming. Castiel had changed his will, placed himself closer to Sam and included him in their daily lives. He was always close to his brother-in-law but this……this was unusual and he should’ve seen the signs.

 

Sam pulled out his cell phone yet again trying to reach Dean. He needed to be there. If for nothing else to be able to say goodbye. Sam needed him there to yell at him. To scream that it was all his fault. To tell him how if he had just come home Castiel would still be here. He would be conscious; he would be happy. Sam was pulled out of his own mental spiral by the rapid beeping of a machine. An alarm was going off. Sam jumped to his feet and screamed for a nurse.

 

The whirlwind of doctors, nurses, and equipment that swept into the room almost crushed him against the wall. One nurse ushered him out as they started to work out what was happening.

 

Sam slouched and slowly slid to the floor against the wall. He couldn’t stop the tears. He couldn’t take it if Castiel died. He wouldn’t be able to look Dean in the eyes ever again. So angry at Dean for causing this, so angry with himself for not preventing it.

 

“Sir?”

 

“Sir?”

 

A nurse crouched in front of Sam with a hand on his shoulder.

 

“Is…is he…” Sam let the question hang heavy in the air.

 

“He’s stabilized, sir. It was touch and go for a second because Castiel was fighting the breathing tube.”

Sam didn’t know what to make of the information that he’d been given.

 

“That is a good thing. He’s breathing on his own now. He’s a fighter. The more autonomous behavior, the more he is waking up. Small steps. But this is good news.” Sam couldn’t hold back he wrapped his arms around the nurse and just cried.

 

 

 

 

 

Dean couldn’t believe what he was seeing.

 

Finally, back in America, he’d tracked his family down ready to crawl on his knees and beg forgiveness for whatever misunderstanding occurred. He’d spend the rest of his life making up for the pain he’d caused Cas and the kids.

 

He knew with Aiden it would take his constant presence. Aiden had already accepted Dean wouldn’t be around and therefore would block him out of his life when he was around.

 

Claire would cling to him in desperation and force him to wear makeup and he’d do it for the rest of his life if it meant he kept his family.

 

“Sam?”

 

Dean stood at the end of the hall with a bouquet of flowers in his hand. All he’d been able to figure out was that Castiel was in the hospital, the reason why was still a mystery to him. He hadn’t bothered to stop at the house yet, getting a hotel room instead. Their marriage needed time to heal. Dean knew he needed to earn his way back home. He was determined that one day he would earn the privilege of being a part of his family again.

 

“Sam?” Dean's voice grew more urgent, demanding.

 

“You, how dare you show up _now_. Where were you when he started changing his will? Where were you when he bought whatever he took?! Where were you when I had to call 911 and keep the kids from seeing their dad this way?! WHERE WERE YOU?!?!?!?” Sam stalked closer to Dean with each question, what started as a broken whisper now was a booming voice that caught the attention of everyone on that floor.

 

For someone as well trained as Dean, he should have seen it coming. Sams fist connected with his jaw knocking him to the ground. Sam gave him a swift kick to the ribs before security was able to intervene.

 

“He could die because of you!!” The rage and fury that burned in Sams' eyes was something that Dean had never seen before. Sam had always been the understanding one. The one who always believed in second chances, always controlling your emotions and not letting them control you. If Dean had broken even him…..was there even hope that it could be fixed?

 

 

 Dean sat on the floor as Sam was escorted by security off the floor.

 

“Should I assume you're the husband?” An older nurse looked down on him with barely hidden contempt.

 

Dean stood and tried to readjust his clothes. “I am.” Normally, Dean would turn on the charm and make her smile, but he didn’t deserve her smile, he knew that he deserved whatever speech she had reserved for him. All that anger melted from her as she took in his remorse. “If he pulls through this, you better make it right. I don’t know the situation and I don’t want to know. But know this, I will be checking up on him. Those precious angels deserve him in their lives. He deserves happiness.”

 

The nurse turned and nodded her head for him to follow her.

 

“I’ve seen him at the candy shop, he’s an artist and has such a bright light in his soul.” The nurse stopped at a door and abruptly turned. “Know this, IF he wakes up and IF he gives you another chance. IF you don’t make him as happy as possible. IF you screw this up and he ends up back here or worse he succeeds. I know how to make it look like an accident and even if they do convict me I’m already old. A life sentence won’t mean much.”

 

Dean thought he knew fear before, but this…this was different.

 

“Succeeds?” Deans voice waivered unsure he was even allowed to speak.

 

“You don’t even know why he’s here?” The nurse walked in the room and grabbed Castiels chart.

 

“Sit down and shut up boy. Castiel, your husband was admitted here last night after an attempted suicide. Your brother was the one who found him when he brought the kids home earlier than planned.”

Deans vision tunneled; the only sound was the rushing of his own blood. _Suicide_

He’d driven his angel to want to leave this earth.

 

“Breathe in, breath out.” The nurses' voice brought him back to reality.

 

“Good now. Better. I can't have you both laid up in the hospital.”

 

Dean had so much more to do that he’d previously thought. Looking up at his angel laying in the bed. He looked as if he was merely asleep.

 

“Whatever he took, has him deep. We don’t know if or when he’ll wake up. It's up to him. But I can tell you this. He’s a fighter. Gave us all a scare when he started fighting his breathing tube earlier.”

 

The nurse put a hand on Deans shoulder.

 

“Hard doesn’t mean impossible. There's a long road ahead of you two, but I’ve got faith that you’ll make it.” The nurse turned and walked out of the room.

 

“Cas?” Dean walked and sat in the chair next to the bed.

 

“I don’t know if you can hear me. I hope you can. I’m home. I’m home for good and if you’ll give me the chance. I want to earn being allowed in your life. Being a part of our kids' lives. I know I..I messed up and this…this is all on me. Please Cas, please don’t give up. Aiden and Claire need you. I need you.” Dean wiped away the tears streaming down his cheeks. “I mean uh don’t come back for me. You gotta choose this Cas, you gotta choose to live.” Dean clutched at Castiels hand and cried.

 

Was it his own desperation or his own shaking hands but Dean could’ve sworn he felt Castiels hand twitch.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this story is becoming increasingly difficult to write, but it's so therapeutic in so many ways.

The next thing Cas knew he was sitting on the beach watching Dean splash in the waves with Claire and castle with Aiden. Every few minutes, one of the children would run back up to where he was resting with his book under an oversized umbrella.

 

They weren’t alone on the beach; there were other people, other families spending time together and making memories that would last a lifetime.

 

“Papa look what I found!!” Claire came running kicking sand everywhere waving a pearlescent seashell at him.

 

She didn’t bother to slow down when she reached the spread-out beach towel; she jumped in his lap to make sure he got an up-close look.

 

“I see babygirl, that is pretty cool. Are we keeping this a taking it home?” Castiel looked at the neon orange bag sitting next to him in the sand and noticed there was a plastic baggie with three other shells already in it sitting on top of the rest of the items.

 

“Yes, Papa lets add it to my clection!!!” Castiel couldn’t help but giggle. “You mean collection sweetheart.” Castiel repeated the last word slowly so that Claire could learn the correct pronunciation.

 

Once she triple checked that her latest find had been safely secured, Claire bolted for the water. Castiel called out to Dean to ensure that he saw Claire heading back for the water. She never went any further than knee-deep, but the pull was still strong enough to knock her over if it was a big enough wave receding.

 

Cas went back to his book only to realize after a few hours that the sun didn’t appear to move. It seemed to be at the perfect angle…

 

“Hey, babe you wanna go to our favorite spot and get you those maple bacon donuts that you love so much?” Dean was crouched next to the chair, skin glistening in the sun. His freckles stood out in his perfect golden tan.

 

Castiel couldn’t help but stare, but he still glanced away, keeping an eye on the kids. Dean noticed his wandering eye and smiled. “The kids are building a sand wall to protect Aidens castle, they are away from the water and safe. Plus how could you ignore this?” Dean stood up and started flexing muscles like he was part of the Mr. Universe pageant.

 

Castiel laughed. “Yea we can go get donuts then we can head home.” Castiel started to put away his book, and the beach towel spread out in front of his chair.

 

“Home? Baby we are home, the house it right there.” Dean nodded off to the right of the umbrella. Castiel leaned around the umbrella to see a beautiful cape cod style beach house.

 

Suddenly the crowd of people was gone.

 

It was only then that Castiel started to realize that things weren’t quite right. Little things were off. Like the sand didn’t actually stick to his feet. He never needed to reapply sunscreen to the kids, yet they had been out there all day.

 

Then Castiel realized, he didn’t remember anything about moving to the beach.

 

He didn’t remember anything about Dean coming home.

build a sand

 

He couldn’t remember anything beyond that night.

 

Castiel got up and tried to behave as if nothing had happened. He packed up their things, called the kids to put on their sandals and headed towards the donut shop like nothing was wrong.

 

He was clearly in his own personal heaven, and he wasn’t going to ruin it. But the details ruined it for him. Aiden picked a donut and didn’t complain about the symmetry of toppings. Claire picked a donut with only powdered sugar, not her usual raspberry, and lemon, and Dean didn’t get a donut at all.

 

Castiel stayed in this beachfront oasis for another day before he realized that this wasn’t where he wanted to be. These people were not the ones he knew and loved, they were mere………cheap imitations.

 

Castiel waited until everyone was otherwise occupied and snuck away to the beach house that seemed to stay in the distance.

 

A woman stepped in his way. “Are you sure this is where you want to go?” Castiel looked down at what he considered a familiar face.

 

“I need to go home.”

 

“Castiel you have the chance at happiness here, no more pain, no more loneliness, no death.” The woman with long brown hair, tan skin, and brown eyes spoke to him as he walked past her.

 

“I _need_ to go home. All I see is how these are not the people I love. These are shells with a few facts and fabricated personalities. I’m going home.” Castiel marched toward the front door of the beach house.

 

“There is no going back Castiel, once you go, you cannot return.”

 

Castiel paused in the sand.

 

Heart beating through his chest.

 

“I’m going home.”

 

 

 

 

Castiel finally woke up to a silent room. The only sounds being made by the machines monitoring everything about him. When he finally opened his eyes, he found himself looking towards the window, his first thought that it was still dark outside

 

_Well I guess I’ve only been out a few hours, can't even die right_

Castiel lets his eyes scan the room only to see Sams’ comically large frame sprawled across a small hospital couch with case files on his chest.

 

The only thoughts in his head include his own disgust with himself and wondering where the children are if Sam is obviously camping out in his room. At least he knows this is real, nowhere else would he have such negative thoughts.

 

Castiel kept going around the room, maybe there was something he had missed. Nope, not even almost dying had brought Dean back to him.

 

The nurse waltzed in most likely for her nightly checks.

 

“Hey honeybee, glad to see you decide to stay with us. My names Ellen, I’ve been your nurse since they brought you in a week ago.”

 

Castiel started to ask her a question but was stuck on something that she said, _a week? Where were the kids?!_

 

Castiels’ eyes became comically large.

 

“Yes hun, a week. Between you and me, I knew you’d pull through, but I didn’t tell that to that husband of yours. He needed to sweat it out for a while.”

 

“D--Dean?” Castiel tried talking. His voice was rougher than usual. Dean had been here. Dean had seen how pathetic he had been. Dean had decided he wasn’t worth sticking around. Castiels spiraling thoughts must have been broadcast across his face.

 

“Hey, don’t you go thinking that way. Between the jolly green giant over there and your husband, you haven’t been alone in this room for the entire time you’ve been here, and that’s saying something.”

 

Ellen proceeded to check his vitals and reflexes since he seemed up to the challenge.

 

“Now I’m gonna let the doctor know that you’re awake so he can really put you through the paces, then I’m sure you’re gonna spend some time in our psych ward, but don’t you worry. I’m looking after you and those precious babies of yours.”

 

Ellen made a note on the clipboard at the end of his bed and walked out of the room.

 

Castiel tried to take in everything she had said. Dean was here, Sam was here, the kids had been here. He wondered how much they knew about what happened to him… how much would he have to explain?

 

How much would he have to explain to Dean?


	15. Chapter 15

Castiel spent his day mostly in a daze, the doctors and nurses came in and out doing their checks.

 

The hospital made him get a psych evaluation, which was obviously just for show, they weren’t about to release him anytime soon. Castiel could see it in the guys' eyes. The pity, the sadness, and the hope.

 

“Well, Castiel I do believe that in spite of recent events you are on the mend. What do you think about that?” Castiel glanced out the window, the only things he could see were the tops of trees and the distant skyline. “I would say that is a good thing.” Castiel gave the answer he knew they were looking for.

 

A slight smile appeared on the doctors face as he went to take a few more notes in his small notebook.

 

“Well on the mend does not mean healed so, I think you need to come to see me at least twice a week for a while. What do you think about that?”

 

This actually caught Castiels attention. “Come see you?”

 

The confusion was obvious on his face. “You mean I'm not being locked up in some padded room in the basement?”

 

“Humor, that’s a good sign. No, we are not going to banish you to a dark dungeon cell. I believe you are capable of going home and making smart decisions to help yourself heal. One moment of weakness doesn’t define who you are. Its what you do afterward that really counts.”

 

  _home_

_I used to have one of those_

 

The psychiatrist locked eyes with Castiel and grabbed his hand

 

“You are going to get past this dark time in your life, I’m honored to be the one to assist you on your journey. We can work through this one step, one day, one hour at a time.” The doc left his card on the table next to the bed and walked out of the room leaving Castiel with nothing but silence and his own thoughts.

 

It hadn’t escaped his attention that in the time he’d initially woken up and went back to sleep, Sam had disappeared. Also that no one had come to see him. Sam hadn’t returned. Dean hadn’t made an appearance and without either of them coming by, he couldn’t see the kids.

 

The kids.

 

They had to hate him for what he’d done. Claire wouldn’t understand, but Aiden would. He would hate him for trying to leave, for being so selfish. Luckily Claire is young enough that she could completely forget about him, it was for the best.

 

Of course, no one was coming. Why would they waste their efforts on someone who didn’t deserve it? Someone who clearly was beyond forgiveness, someone who earned the solitude he’d been given.

 

Sam and Dean were probably packing up the kids and making it so Cas would never see them again. Castiel would sign away parental rights with no fight. The kids didn’t deserve to have to deal with his downfall.

 

Castiels thoughts continued to spiral. The only unifying thought—he was beyond saving—and everyone knew it.

 

Castiel let himself drift off. He was going to have to rebuild his life alone, he might as well be well-rested for it.

 

 

 

“What the hell are you thinking?! This is beyond selfish even for you Dean!” Castiel was woken up by the screaming voice of Sam by the door.

 

“Look at him Sam just look at him! This is what's best!” Dean yelled back. They both were clearly under the impression that he was still asleep. Castiel decided to keep his eyes closed so he wouldn’t interrupt.

 

“What's best? Best for who? Cause this isn’t what's best for him, this isn’t what's best for the kids…so what's best for who?!” Sam tried to keep his voice down to prevent being dragged out by security a second time.

 

“Look man, I’ve already found a place and started moving some stuff. I’ll explain it to him when he wakes up. He’ll understand.” Dean deflated, there was no anger behind his statement, more like resigned acceptance.

 

Castiel tried to contain his emotions but the tears started streaming down his cheeks anyway. Neither brother noticed. Cas used the buttons on the side of his bed to sit up and called the nurse.

 

Ellen pushed between the brothers to get into the room. “Excuse me dumb and dumber, but my patient needs me.” Only then did they look in to see not only was Castiel sitting up but he was crying. He’d heard everything.

 

“Ellen I don’t want any visitors.” Castiel didn’t even look up at the guilt-ridden brothers standing at the door.

 

“You heard the man, get out of here.” Ellen shooed the boys away from the door and escorted them to the elevator. “I don’t know what you were arguing about, but I know what it sounded like, and it sounds to me like you’re about to destroy an already broken man. Remember my warning Dean. Life in prison means nothing.” With one final deadly glare, she allowed the doors to close leaving the brothers to stew in their own thoughts.

 

 

Back in the room, Castiel had already begun to gather his items. He’d heard enough to know that Dean was putting him out. There's no need to fight to get better if he has no reason. The kids were the light in his life, they would soon be gone. At least this way he could save Dean a little on the medical bills.

 

Ellen walked in just in time to see him trying to pull out his own IV.

 

“Now you hold on just a minute there. I don’t know where you think you’re going, but if the answer ain't getting back in that bed then we are going to have a problem.” Castiel was ready to argue but was leveled with one solid glare from the nurse.

 

“You heard them, Ellen, just as much as I did, Dean doesn’t want me. He’s putting me out as soon as I’m released and taking the kids. I have nowhere to go, no family, so no reason to be here anymore. Just let me go and forget I was ever here.” Castiels speech was swallowed by sobs. Ellen wrapped her arms around the broken man.

 

“Oh honey, that’s a bunch of bull and you know it. But if you’re so determined to get out of here, you can come home with me when you’re released. It would put an old womans heart at ease to know you're okay.” Castiel couldn’t argue with the last sentiments. The last thing he needed to do was add the guilt of stressing out the nurse who clearly cared for him.

 

“Only if I get to leave today, I can’t face Dean to only see the disappointment and disgust on his face for what I’ve done.” Castiel finally loosened his arms from Ellen and sat back. “ I just… I cant..”

 

“Shhh…its gonna be alright sweetheart, I will work  on getting you discharged into my care and keep the two idiots away for now, but you will have to face him at some point.”

 

“I know Ellen.” Castiel grabbed Ellens hand trying to convey every emotion he couldn’t bring himself to give words.

“You rest sugar, I’ll be back to take you home later.” Ellen kissed Castiel on the forehead and laid his bed back before turning out the lights and closing his door on her way out.

 

_Home_


	16. Chapter 16

It had been days since Ellen had brought Castiel to her home.

 

He hasn’t moved one inch from the bed she laid him in.

 

Every couple of hours Ellen comes into the room bringing with her a new snack and a drink to wash it all down, removing the previous snack and beverage. Disheartened that seeing bites missing was a rarity.

 

At this rate, Castiel would just waste away.

 

She had to do something; she didn’t pull bring him there just to watch him die slowly of starvation. He needed help. Help that even her tough love couldn’t give him.

 

“Castiel”

 

Ellen sat on the edge of the bed and gently shook one of his ankles to gain his attention.

 

From under the blankets, a glazed-eyed gaunt face peered out. He wasn’t quite focusing on her but he acknowledged her presence, that was an improvement no matter how minute.

 

“Sweetheart, we need to be honest with ourselves, you need professional help. I can give you all the support in the world but it’ll all mean nothing if we don’t get you the tools you need to pull yourself out of this….” Ellen gestured vaguely in the air.

 

“You just pointed at all of me” Castiels voice rough from disuse. His eyes narrowing in confusion and anger.

 

“Exactly” Ellen stood up and moved higher up on the bed. “I’ve got a friend that works in the best mental healthcare facility in the state. I would like to give them a call and get you a spot.” Ellen ran her fingers through Castiels hair, greasy from not being washed, but she didn’t shy away from showing him any affection that he allowed. “If that is okay with you. I don’t want to force you Castiel, but you’ve got to know that you can’t just lay in bed forever.” Her hands pushed away from the blanket and pulled Castiel into what can only be described as a tight mama bear hug.

 

Castiel knew she was right but he just couldn’t find it within him to really care. He’d already shown what type of excuse for a husband and father he was by trying _and failing_ to die. He wasn’t even competent enough to accomplish that.

 

Ellens fingers running along his scalp were like dropping ice cubes into an inferno. They offered minimal respite, but all the same, he welcomed the touch. Not wanting to rebuff the last person on earth to think he was worth saving.

 

“Where is the facility?” Castiel didn’t want to go but he had to admit if he was going to stick around in the land of the living, which it seemed she was determined to make him do, then he might as well try. Ellens efforts couldn’t go to waste.

 

“It’s a little north of here on a farm.” Ellen went on to tell Castiel every detail she could remember about the place. It had been years since she’d worked there but it was highly unlikely that much of it had changed. “It’s a small facility, so you won't just feel like a patient connected to a number on a chart somewhere. In the past, they have incorporated many different types of therapy so I figure it might be the place for you. So….can I call?” Ellen tried not to sound too hopeful, she didn’t want him to feel pressured but at the same time she was out of options.

 

“Yea, you can call.” Castiel shrugged his shoulder and reclaimed his position in a ball under a mound of blankets, that was all the energy for interaction he had for the day. It didn’t matter if she had more to say, he was done. He’d given her permission to sign him up to be a part of the _looney bin._ Although living on a farm… maybe…

 

 

 

 

 

Ellen picked up her cell and started dialing the second she stepped out of the room.

“Hey… yea it's me…I need a favor.” Ellen started trying to cash in every favor she had with anyone she knew who worked at the facility. Nothing was too much.

 

She was however disheartened to find that the last room had just been reserved for an incoming patient who was considered high risk. When her buddy who worked the front desk asked for his name so they could put Cas down at the top of the waiting list there was a pause.

 

“El? Did you say Castiel?”

 

“Yea I know it’s a weird name but the man sure lives up to it from what I can tell.” Ellen was curious as to why Gary sounded so confused.

 

“Okay so I prob shouldn’t say this, but would Castiels last name happen to be Winchester?”

 

Ellen almost dropped the phone in shock. “Yea it is how in the hell did you know that?!”

 

“Well Ellen, that’s who we have registered for the last room, his husband a…..Dean Winchester called and arranged it even sent up some of Castiels personal things and clothes to help him be comfortable.“ Ellen stayed silent.

 

“What….um ok well then, I guess Cas gets his room after all. I can bring him up first thing in the morning.”

 

Ellen stood outside the door to his room weighing her options. She wasn’t sure if she should tell Castiel everything or anything at all. Would he reject the help if he knew that it was Dean who set it up? Would he sink even deeper?

 

She knocked on the door and poked her head in. “Cas they have a spot for you, sweetie, we’re going to go and take a look around in the morning.”

 

The shifting blanket was the only response she got. That was enough.

 

 

 

 

 

Dean and Sam sat across from each other at the dining room table after putting the kids to bed. Neither really knew what to say. Both feeling guilty beyond measure. Dean knew all of this was on him. If he’d just been a better husband and better provider; then none of this would have happened. Sam knew it was his fault for not seeing the signs. It was almost textbook red flags that he ignored because of what? He was so self-absorbed that he helped Castiel break away from the world without actually noticing what was happening right in front of him with each new piece of paperwork that he filed.

 

“Dean, I know you don’t want to but we really need to talk about this.” Sam tried hard not to stare down his brother and the amber filled glass that had become permanently attached to his hand every night.

 

“Talk about what? Talk about how I’m a terrible husband? I drove Cas to do this, it's all my fault. Or how about I’m a terrible father? Aiden barely speaks to me. Claire isn’t old enough to really put it together but she’s starting to realize that I’m the reason Cas isn’t around. Pretty soon she’s gonna hate me too.” The self-deprecating speech was running on a loop in the back of his mind at all hours of the say since being kicked out of the hospital by his husband. Papers or not Castiel was his husband.

 

Sam wanted so much to be angry with Dean and to yell but he just couldn’t. “Dean, you know you did what you thought was right. And the fact that you’re here now indefinitely shows you’re trying. How long did they say that they could hold that spot for Cas up at Glenwood Springs?” Sam knew half of what he said he didn’t believe but that last thing he needed right now was for Dean to decide to fully check out leaving him to take care of both kids and put back together two grown men.

 

“They said indefinitely as long as I keep paying. I just need to figure out a way to get Cas to listen to me for two seconds. I just want him to try. He doesn’t need to do it for me, we both know I don’t deserve that and he deserves so much better than me. I just want to give him a chance to get better so that he can go out there and find whoever it is he’s really meant to be with.” Dean gulped down the last bit of whiskey in his glass and pushed away from the table.

 

Sam wanted to argue, but he just didn’t have it in him.


	17. Chapter 17

 

Castiel sat on the couch across from an older man who looked at him expectantly. How could they expect him to just pour out his soul to so random stranger? He had barely been able to say anything to his husband. He hadn’t said a word to Sam and now they expect him to just…. _let it all hang out_ as Dean would’ve said.

 

The man was droning on and on about something but Castiel was too lost in his own thoughts to really catch most of it. Something about being allowed to grow his own garden was mentioned in there if it was really worth it maybe Castiel will listen next time. It was somewhere about five minutes into the ordeal before the doc realized that Castiels eyes had glazed over.

 

“Castiel”

 

“Castiel, the only way this works is if you stay present. I’ve been told I’m good but I highly doubt I can help you without actually having a conversation with you.” The doctor took a few notes as he chuckled to himself, at least he thought he was funny.

 

The only thing on Castiels mind was that he missed Dean. AS much as Dean had hurt him and as much as he was angry with him, there was something about the way Dean would wrap him up and hold him - _not cuddling_ \- while they watched a movie or listened to music. It was calming, grounding. Castiel needed that right now. He needed to feel the rumble of Deans chest as he spoke to him, it didn’t matter what he was saying it could be a mindless recounting of Alice in Wonderland. But that was what he needed.

 

“Castiel, breathe, come back Castiel.”

 

Cas looked up and only then did he realize that he had curled up into the fetal position on the floor and was rocking back and forth.

 

“We're going to cut today's session short. It has been very enlightening Castiel. Please allow the nurse to escort you back to your room, they will bring your lunch and dinner to you.” Castiel barely nodded before a large man appeared and swept him up in his arms as If he weighed no more than the air.

 

“Don’t worry Cher, we’ll get you all settled in and I’ll bring you some of that honeyed toast you seem to like so much.” The nurse whispered as he walked down the corridor. Cas looked up at that moment finally responding to the outside world.

 

“There you are, now let's get you to your room, you love looking at that view, and that husband of yours was real specific that you had a good view of the garden.” The nurse set Castiel down in a chair near the window and draped his favorite blanket over him.

 

Castiel had previously wondered how Ellen had gotten it, but now he knew. Dean had brought it for him. It wasn’t the first time someone had offhandedly mentioned Dean or called him his husband. Maybe they didn’t know that he had filed for a divorce, maybe they didn’t know how much Dean was the reason he had been there in the first place. Either way, it didn’t matter. Castiel sat and stared out at the flowers, they never let him down.

 

Ellen came by for her weekly visit. She was the only name Castiel had on his visitors' list. He didn’t want the kids to see him this way, it would only upset them. If he let Sam come it would undoubtedly lead to a conversation about Dean and that was the last thing he wanted to be thinking about. They couldn’t take a walk in the garden because of his most recent episode so she sat with him in the common area while they watched a documentary about the birds of the rainforest.

 

“Sweetheart I hear I’m still the only name on that list of yours, you should let those babies come see their papa. I know they’re worried about you. It would probably put them at ease to at least see you.” Ellen wasn’t wrong, the last time they had seen him was when he dropped them off with Sam to hang out before all of this happened. He wasn’t sure if they’d seen him in the hospital while he was unconscious.

“I’ll think about it.” The only words Ellen was able to get out of him that day.

 

 

 

 

Every day that passed made Dean more and more anxious. Aiden and Claire had finally adjusted to him being around instead of their papa and had gone back to their normal daily schedule. Dean would pace the new house in the middle of the day, debating with himself about going to visit Castiel. Or at least trying to. Once Ellen had told him that she had gotten Castiel to the facility, he did all that he could to make sure Cas would be comfortable. They already had many of the comfort items he’d sent ahead but there were a few that Dean was hoping he could give to Castiel in person. One, in particular, was a specific hoodie of his that Cas would always take when he was home, or if they would allow it, he would bring Cas favorite mug or his favorite brand of honey.

 

Dean couldn’t get in to see Cas but he was allowed to leave some things for him. He left the hoodie and they took the honey, but they wouldn’t accept the mug. Dean called almost daily to speak with the doctor working with Cas. He knew progress wouldn’t be overnight, but news of setbacks hurt. He knew it was all his fault. Dean knew that everything Castiel had gone through was his responsibility.

 

The doctor told Dean that he would speak with Castiel about getting him on the visitation list and possibly bringing him in for a few joint sessions.  All Dean could do was sit on the sidelines and wait until his husband - _he’s still my husband dammit-_ was ready.

 

 

 

Castiel went back to his room and sat deep in thought. He wasn’t sure if he was ready to really face Dean but at the same time being able to discuss the issues in a safe environment was key to his rehabilitation, well that’s what the therapist said anyway. Instead of dwelling on it Cas picked up a notebook and just began to write. He wrote his thoughts; he wrote his feelings and slowly he began to twist them into a romanticized tale about a knight and star-crossed lovers.

 

Day by day the story grew more elaborate and became less and less about anything Cas thought but took on a life of its own. The characters seemed in charge of their own stories and it was only Cas’ job to write it all down.

 

Castiel took strength from his characters and added Dean to his visitation list, he was walking out of this place, he wouldn't lose to loneliness again.

**Author's Note:**

> I'd love any comments, thoughts anything you want to say, ask, postulate. Let me hear from you !!


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